Life poses us with many challenges. Few are more painful than the deterioration of someone you love. The truth is, the power to change their life is not in your hands. So here’s what you can do

First Signs

The first clues you’ll receive about the worsening situation may seem subtle. Perhaps they are more reclusive, less open to discussion. Their mood and overall demeanor is different. They say ‘no’ more often, things they would previously enjoy such as going for walks, meeting friends, accepting phone calls, replying to messages.

To you, these are subtle differences that have only just started to occur. Depression however is like a mold, it festers unseen long before any visible sings appear on the surface. By the time behavioral changes occur, the issue has already permeated the subconscious of the person you love. They may not even be aware that their outward demeanor, their way of speaking, their attitude towards others is any different.

However, these external signs are a blessing. They have drawn your attention to the issue and now they are not alone. It is far more scary if someone hides these feelings for months and years without others knowing. Be grateful that you were given the red flags. Now you can start to help.

Confronting the issue

Maybe you have already had the conversation, or perhaps you haven’t. Nevertheless it is due to occur. And it always goes one of two ways.

Acceptance

Acceptance is a blessing. If after you confronting them they put their head down and accept that you are right, this is one of the best things that could have happened. You are dealing with someone who is self-aware enough to put their ego aside and be vulnerable. At this point you continue to give them your time and listen carefully. They have allowed you into their world, now it is your duty to be there for them and keep them accountable to any promises of change they make. However, acceptance is rare.

Denial

Much more common is denial of any issue. Most people, after being directly confronted by someone will immediately enter self-defense. To them this isn’t a loved one trying to help, in their mind it’s an assault on their ego. They will attempt to brush of any suspicion as either ‘no I’m all good’ or ‘I’ve been a little stressed at work, school, etc’

This reaction is a protection mechanism. No one wants to be seen as hurt, weak or emotionally frail, especially men, and therefore any accusation of such will be strongly denied. To you this should be another data point about the severity of the issue. At this point you stop pressing and let the conversation end. Continue to monitor them closely

Engaging their friends

Friends are a powerful source of happiness, good friends that is. They will see you at your lowest and call you out. They will speak to you like no one else can.

Contacting their close friends and explaining to them what happened can open the door to improvement. You should make it clear that they are not to tell the person that it was you that contacted them. If the person finds out you contacted other people they care about regarding ‘issues’ they’re having, it could cause a major conflict.

The subtle approach is the way to go. Ask their friends to call them to hang out. The beauty of friends is that they are painfully persistent and even though the person may decline at first, they will find a way to drag them out.

Deterioration

You’ve continued to watch them closely, and things are not getting better. The deterioration of someone you love is one of the most painful experiences one can endure. The key is to not make this about yourself.

The likelihood is your loved one has no idea the impact his actions are having on those around him. They’re in the fog of war, fighting a losing battle against their own mind, desires and tendencies. By starting fights in which through anger you express how much hurt they’re causing, you are doing nothing other than making the issue worse. Do you think screaming at an alcoholic will make them quit? No. The decision to change is theirs alone. If you continue to see deterioration that is when tough decisions will have to be made

Tough decisions

Depending on the nature of the issue, be it substance abuse, isolationism, anger management and hostility you will have to chose a course of action that will not be easy for both you or your loved one.

Setting boundaries

You have tried communication, you’ve tried being patient and waiting for the issue to resolve itself but here we are. The lenient approach hasn’t worked and it rarely does. Now you have to set terms.

This conversation is simple, ‘if you do not do X, I will do Y’

This method is often used when substance abuse is involved and god forbid kids are in the mix. It is now your job to set clear terms and expectations, ‘if you do not go into a rehabilitation group, I will be forced to live somewhere else until you get your issue fixed’.

This is usually a massive wake up call to them. Blinded by their own pain, your loved one has failed to see the significance of the issue. By setting clear terms and conditions upon which you are able to continue the relationship, this gives the person a goal. Do they want to keep you? Then they must address issue, now.

The key is that you must be willing to temporarily walk away, and they have to know you mean it. Otherwise they will call your bluff.

That’s all you can do

This might either come as terror or relief. This issue is not in your control. If you have tried everything you could to no avail then there is only one course of action. Leaving them be. The hope with this is that the pain of losing someone they love might be enough to change them. That however, is not in your hands. If you’re even reading this you are a good person with a heart for others. You are actively trying to help and your effort is what matters. The outcome, only your loved one can decide.

Times like these will test your love and resolve more than any other. I hope these issue pass and wish you all the best in this journey of helping the ones you love. When love is involved, miracles are commonplace. Don’t lose faith.